Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
