can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
