I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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