i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
