the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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