We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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