Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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