no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
