why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's blow job season.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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