you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
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I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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