She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
