I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
