Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
