I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
