did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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