piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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