shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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