fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
