I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
