peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
