my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
