Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
