I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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