Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
