Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
