If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
