mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
