My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
