He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
