I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
