Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
