She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
