Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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