I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
