I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
