Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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