wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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