she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
