I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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