I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
