five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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