did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
