Just fell off a train. Bad.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
