I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
