I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
