A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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