I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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