She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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