I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
