She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
