The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The beer is more important than you right now.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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