You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
